Up to now I still dunno what I have done.. well actually i do and i suppose and it all sparks from me sometimes not using enough common sense. Sometimes i hate myself for the way i am... My friend always tells me to love myself but events always make me feel that i am really not so lovable myself. In front of that person I try to be apathic (its generated over the years). Even when he says hurtful things i will try not to put it to heart... I am not able to communicate with him cause i dun want to open my heart to him. And when i do, he will say some hurtful thing again. I can't dislike him, so i will only dislike myself more . Now I am like a buckeet. My tears can't stop falling down my cheeks. I am not a robot. I also have feelings. I told myself I must be strong and tried to stop them from coming out but they wun stop. Dun worry about me, . These are all experiences to make me stronger. I will just continue studying. Sorry I am not the person you want me to be. Sorry for being me...

Today was my A and E and oncology exam. But I dun really want to talk about it... I can only say I can wish for the best. And just look forward. I believe I am not the only person that finds its hard... anyways i have nothing to say... Haiz. (I am usually not very affected by exams, but for me to be...means something)



After that went out for a while b4 going back... I had a nice sleep. In the evening went for a jog around bedok reservoir. I guess sometimes exercising is a good way of stress relief. Summore some one told me I have put on weight... haha... (I admit it lah... cause recently i dun feel as healthy). I am very happy I did so. I started running with a heavy heart but after that i stopped cause i did not know i was feeling so upset for since it was over. So i just told myself i will throw all my troubles into the water. I wanted to shout but then a bit paiseh, since there were quite a few ppl there... I wun look behind, I will just look in front and do what i need to do in the time i am given with the best ability. The outcome is not for me to control. So I continued running with a lighter heart and body. I can do it!!! I wun let this little setback pull me down... Even if i fail (touch wood) . I will still be strong. Guess thats life... we fall, but must pull ourself up. Sometimes ppl can help you , but ultimately its a test for yourself. I think this applies to everyone.



After that i was very kpo and decided to loiter into TP... Its really nicer than NYP in my opinion. I wanted to loiter in somemore but then it started raining so i ran back... so half of bedok reservoir, I ran for my life to avoid getting wet. But in the end I still did... getting wet is better than running in the dark... haha (look on brighter side). But it was really a nice run. To me its a run to remember... haha!! Ok now I am ready to hit my books again...

Today I had my first paper which was on mental health... It was quite a tricky paper and i really dunno if I can make it.. Hopefully my ICA project can pull up the grades for this one... now just worried about my A and E and cancer nursing. But I am sure God will make a way. Tomorrow I am going to Alina house to study... hOPe it will be productive... 2 brains are better than one.



Today when i was on my way back home I suddenly bumped into an old school mate of mine at bedok interchange. She was my GB mate and guess what , she is still very committed and goes back, not like me... I just remember those times we took part in drill competition and spent many afternoons praticing our drill... and i became so tanned until my skin could peel. She asked me whether I am interested to go for the 10th Gb anniversary... Woah man... I remember during sec. 2 we put up a concert for the 5th anniversary... I used to sing in the choir for the event.. it was quite an unforgettable experience. Time really flies man. soon you will see me with wrinkles.. Well I might go back... See whether I am free on that day. I will get my whole outcaste gang of GB to go with me... haha!!!

"I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." Philipians 4:13

Dun give up, all of you in life.. You may succeed with another Blow. may God Bless you with a clear mind and good health and a happy heart! Muacks!

Hello... Boo Hoo... Got "chased" out of the house today cause there is some renovation at home being done and it will be very noisy. Furthermore today my whole family is surprisingly at home... at the wrong time.! They want to do family bonding when I am in this stressful exam period mode. I can't get distracted... My father came back this morning. Dunno where he go for the last 2 months and seriously now I dun bother since he never seems to want to tell(even to my mum).. But oh well I still greet him and all that... Just now I am at this age that I dun really yearn much attention from him since I never really get it.. Dun worry, I dun feel anything. Its a fact already. But I bless my whole family and lift them up to your name...


God Bless me from distractions and that I can study smart! I feel so sleepy but I keep on waking myself up... Jia You Jia You Jia You... u can do it!!! Haha!! This is called self motivation by the way! Me currently now in sch. e plaza

Hello... I changed my music to this one again... I just find it so encouraging and uplifting. A few days ago when i was walking past toa payou central to take the mrt to school I saw some Promotion for selling musical instruments. Someone was playing "Canon in D " on the piano. It was so soothing. I just fell in love with it... haha... actually i really envy those ppl who learnt musical instruments from young. Last time i used to learn to learn to play piano for a few lessons in china. It was in one of the houses we rented. Then i dunno why, we either had to move house or I came back to singapore. And the rest is history... I get touched very easily when i see ppl playing the piano... dunno why also...




Recently I have become very nostalgic and try ways and means to contact my old secondary friends. Probably I know if I dun try now, I would probably never get to talk to them again. I just want to know how are they. Are they doing well in the roads of their life after we parted.




Its really amazing. One thing I can never figure out is how time passes so fast. I still remember how 8 years ago i came to singapore with my mother. (I shall not give the details). My auntie picked us up from the airport and we were given a small room in "The Hiding Place" to live in. Those tattoed uncles and brothers were always there to take care of me. I was supposed to go to primary 6 but since it was already half year through I went to primary 5.



Then I went to secondary school. Sometimes I felt like i did not belong , especially in my CCA... cause i felt they were a bunch of hypocrites. Every week after the meetings I would go home to cry. However, I made some true lasting friends and even had someone I liked (though I dun think he ever liked me but I still think of him now and then). And there was someone unfortunately that liked me but I never thought of him that way. Then in sec. 4 alot of things happened that made me feel very sad. But it did make me stronger.



But that fateful year passed and I decided to join nursing after sec. school (probably the only wise major I made myself despite my parent's initial objections). I wanted my presence to bring warmth to ppl and ppl to feel loved and accepted even if they were dying. I wanted their life to be meant living. So these 3 years of poly have passed in a gist... I am enjoying it though there are ups and downs. I still remember my very first assessment, I did a simple stupid mistake and the lecturer said i didn't have any right to be a nurse. And there was another time during my first attachment in which I saw an old auntie I was close to pass away due to cancer and I had to do last office for her. I told one of the staff that i was feeling very sad. She told me if i get very emotional she doesn't think I can stay in this line. I was so traumatised and cried a fair bit.




After that I told myself I must be strong, at least for my patients. Sometimes I feel that no matter what happens now, my tears simply wun come out (even if I try forcing). In alot of aspects i have changed. Become more realistic , more practical, more sarcastic, less bulliable. But in many ways i am still the same. I still manage to retain my child likeness, gained more cheerfulness. i dunno what sort of person i am... go figure lah...




Ok , i am back to my books again.. ciao!!!

This was my secondary school class bbq..
I could not come cause i was having attachment
until 9. Boo Hoo... Anyways its 2 years ago i think

The early bird catches the worm... I agree with that. I think if you wake up after a nice sleep and start doing what you want. Your mind will be much more clear. That is exactly what I did. I feel so happy and at peace with myself. This morning did some revision and woke up at 6.30. I feel my brain is so clear and i can absorb all the info and have understanding of it... You all should try it too... In the morning, it is cool and refreshing... I just love it... Maybe this advice is not for those nocturnal beings out there... haha




Yesterday i went out to watch this really freaky show called "The Wig'. I almost got scared out of my wits. I encourage all those horror show fanantics to watch it... Its really freaky!!! Even my friend who was watching with me (who usually watches horror movies) started covering her face at all those really scary parts!!!

I am very happy today. Today was a farely light hearted day... I think i better buck up and get into the exam mode like some of my very hard working friends. The day started with very 2 boring lectures and a clinical... But it picked up after that. We ate lunch at south canteen and me and eve ate at the noodle stall and the aunty put extra extra chili sauce in my noodles. It made my mouth feel extremely hot. After that we had a 2 hour consolidation period on HS3055... We did not get much tips for operative nursing but as for the other book by C.H (initials of the lecturer), she was precise in pointing out what exactly would come out. But I think on the safe side just try to learn everything, but if I will focus more on the impt points. Today my teacher was super cranky and she kept on joking with us. My friend said she is very happy cause she is getting married soon...





After that our clinical lecturer CLY, treated us to Canadian Pizza. However we had to wait for the malay students to break fast b4 we could eat. So b4 that we played a game called Murderer and Detective. It was pretty fun... I made a very subtle murderer as friends could not guess that i was the murderer. A few time I died a "wrongful death" cause i though I saw someone wink at me when actually the person was just blinking... Haha!!! But overall it was fun. I realise I have such contagious laughter. I can't stand it. When i stare at ppl i just feel like laughing... Even when i stare at serious looking ppl like brenda i started laughing... Dunno why. Maybe its cause i am happy today.



After that, Me, jacq, and Jenny took a cab back. I had to go for cell today so i dropped off near my friends house. Today my cell group members asked me why i have such big eye bags... I think its cause i am mentally tired recently. My friend told me to put a spoon in the freezer and when its cold put it on my eye sockets.. its good for cooling effect (something like putting cucumbers ). Anyways i admit I was a bit cranky today. i kept on laughing. but its good... It makes me feel young... Enjoy my youth when i still can!!! I enjoyed myself at cell today cause i just felt so light headed and light hearted... Haha!!! And i find my friend's family very warm and hospitable... Its really a blessing for her... My family is not the best and its not the worst. But whaever it is, it is not for me to choose, so i just have to learn to adapt and accept it for who it is... I hope there are many light hearted days like today... God Bless everyone!!! As for now, its time to get back to exam mode!!!

I just love oncology.. though its chim... reading about it makes me feel very excited to know more... Although oncology teachers are a bit "scary and perfectioninst" I still like the topic pretty much! but everytime i think about it i will think about my first attachment in onco ward and my poor uncle that had cancer... haiz... anyways its still quite interesting... haha!!!

~Inoccent Angel~
You have been untouched by reality. Greed, cruelty,
hate.. all those things you have not let them
effect you. You are fun loving, happy, easy
going and out going. You bring happiness
everywhere around you.
Never let reality et in the way, always make
your own way.
Weapon:Sceptor
"" Strength is wat i have, strength
to believe, strength to trust, strength to go
on through reality"

What is the angel form of your spirit?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am now studying a bit for my mental health exam next next wednesday and boy am i pissed. The lecture notes are just so vague and so broad i can't exactly point my finger at what am I suppose to study and i just realise (a bit late) there are 45 lectures not including some of my class mates class presentations that I photocopied. A part of the responsibility lies with me cause I found that sometimes the lecturer will babble on and on and my attention is not there... But i really find that the lecturer is a not a good in teaching lectures, rather she is better with small groups eg. teaching in tutorials or skills.Anyways I dun want to be someone to shift blames. In the end its my loss... Anyways I salute those ppl who take up mental health. Its indeed not easy and very challenging. The pain in the heart that your patients could be chronically mentally ill... Sometimes you dunno whether what you do for the patient is in vain . And yet there is still a bit of stigma among those in mental health. Maybe others might not respect you as much as those in emergency or OT but i salute you!!!




I used to think I wanted to go into mental health but now I am really questioning whether I am suitable for it... Lets just see how the posting goes... haha...



PS.: I am so sad... haiz.. 2 horrendously big pimples just popped up from my face.. so ugly.. haiz...

I am feeling slightly tired.. dunno why i am like this since this morning I woke up full of energy... haha!!! Anyways today we only had a two hour lesson on stitching of wounds. I did around 5 stitches and even brought back a new pair of stitches my friend gave me.. maybe I can practice on my cat (nah... just joking!!!). Later going to celebrate my mom's birthday at Lucky Plaza (some steamboat place). Haiz, time really flies man... We are going to finish our last 2 weeks of clinical classes. next semester got no more clinical classes... haiz... I dunno whether I can make it in the real clinical setting... My sister told me, that the real learning really begins when we go to work, but I think learning is continuous and should not be segmented... Anyways enough said about that, thinking about it wun get me anywhere.



The past few days have really been tiring for me... I was kept busy with my project (which is the last for this sememster). The day b4 yesterday I only had 3 hours of sleep and when i came to school I was like a zombie... Worse of all I only came 2 minutes late and had to replace the whole hour... haiz.. blame me I have to say... Even if I give excuses wun help... Anyways so happy I finally have the project off my mind. can concentrate on studying for exams now!!! So happy!!!



Hear this new song I put up... This song was a song i used to listen to when i was in secondary school. I used to love Westlife... In the morning when i woke up i would listen to this song on some mornings when i woke up... haha... i think life is like that. We will fall down or meet tribulations but we must learn to pick ourself up...

Hello... today I watched this super nice and touching show. Its a Chinese show with Andy Lau, Karen Mok and Felix Wong in it... The tiltle is "Wait until you are older".



Its about this boy call Xiao Guang who is very bitter to his stepmom and new family as he feel they caused the death of his mother. He tries ways and means to irritate and anger the stepmom and constantly runs away from home. He cannot wait for the day when he grows older and can leave his home in which he feels he does not belong. One day he chances upon a strange man who has a potion for making you grow older and steals it and drinks it. Surprisingly he grows into an adult as he wishes.


He can now do whatever he wanted to do including chasing after his school teacher as he has the body of an adult. But he finds out that his stepmom is not the cause for his mother's death and although he always says his father does not understand him. But he never once tried to understand his father's predicament and the grown ups were also living in pain. However he understood this all to late. He realised there is no reversing drug for the growing old process. When he found out the truth, he was very depressed. He asked that weird man to make him into a small boy again. But the man just said, " This is your cycle of life. Life is a one way road. There is no turning back. Although you have very little time, you still can make full use of it." (roughly what he said, but in chinese). In the end he confessed to his father and stepmom that he was sorry. However that time his body was deteriorating and he was already had the body of an 80 year old. The potion, I think made the body mature almost 10 to 20 years every day.



Anyways the moral of the story is that we should really treasure each other though our time we have left together is short. I will be the most beautiful memories of my life... This is the most beautiful story... Watch it. you won't regret it.

Hello... are there some ppl even after many years you cannot seem to forget. Maybe they did certain small things to remember them, or maybe they had such a big impact on your life. Though you never see them for a gazillion years and really have no idea where they are, they will still appear in your thoughts frequently. Though you lost contact with them you still hope one day you might meet them. I feel like that sometimes. Pray that one day God will make us meet on our journey of lives. Even if it is only once, its more than I can ask for...

Later is my green tip grading at toa payou stadium, Wish me all the luck. My only "yi han" is that Kavi is not there to do the pattern with me. Dun worry. I shall persist in bringing him back for training. On one day he will surely come back! But on the other hand I am not very motivated either... How??? Haha!!! God Help me!!!



I did one very stupid thing. On friday I never go for training and left my uniform inside my locker. So I am unifomless for todays grading. I wanted to go back to school and take then suddenly I bumped into hafiz on msn, And he actually offered to take it for me since he live nearer to school. Oh my goodness, I am really very touched. I am really very blessed I feel. To have such a nice friend... hehe... On friday jenny wanted the info for her food trail and he offered to go from his house is hougang? to bedok... This is way too much man... It feels as if we are so mean and evil... haha. anyways they met in bugis. which is central... haha... He's probably going to kill me for talking about him on my blog but well, it is a compliment you know. I am glad to have such a gentlemanly, nice, kind, abit naughty friend like you... haha!!!




Well after grading will have to rush back home slog for projects. getting a bit worried about one of my team members... Haiz... Must go after her later... stressed lah. next time I definitely dun want to be leader.



I seem to be happier from my previous grading that time... dunno why . There was a time in year 2 that I was basically in a very dark spirit and no body could get into my world. But now i know that sometimes we cannot control some things, so i choose to make the most of everything. Always look on the bright side of life... That time I wanted to think out about so many things cause I was a bit lost. But I realise there is actually nothing much to think about. The more I think the more depressed I become. Cause we are using our finite mind to think about infinite things. Thats why at that time i choose to give up and let go some things. I even decided to take that "short" break from tkd but after that long break I dun feel that motivation anymore. Alot of things are like that i suppose. Even friendship needs consistent watering and time and sincerity. I dunno whehter i did the right or wrong thing... haiz...



I choose to be simple minded hoping i will never lose that simple pleasure of life

I just went to watch Cirque du Soleil "Quidam". Its really fantastic man... Everything is really amazing... I mean its really soo marvelous. I watched until my eyes big big. The people doing the stunts are just so graceful and flexible... No words can describe it... the stunts they do look as if they are not using much effort or energy. Actually i know they are using every muscle in their body... And there are pretty funny and humorous parts too...!!! Its really fantastic. Although the tickets are expensive but if I try to console myself they did put in a heck of an effort.. haha!!! The food and the souveniers there are damn expensive. One mineral water costs 5 dollars. Go figure... Anyways my sister bought the program guide. Has lots of pictures inside.



I went with my sister. She was also soo amazed since its the first time we see this sort of thing. After that I treated her to eat at Pastamania... And we spent some time chatting b4 going home. Got to know her a bit better... But i still think my sister is so much smarter than me. Maybe cause she got my father's intellectual genes. I hate myself cause i am so blur and sometimes do stupid things... Haiz... Not like my sister , so sharp and inquisitive. I know I should not compare but sometimes just really feel like that... Haiz... I just I am just so much like my mom ... But anyways we had a fun time... Really fun

I was just thinking what will happen 10 or 20 years from now... Or even a few years later. What will I become of. Will I still be working as a nurse or resigned and doing something else. I really cannot say anything now...Some of my friends will already be married or maybe even having children. Sometimes I find life is really like an empty book in which we have to fill it up. There is never really a definite confirmation of where we go. One decision could lead to another and yet another. Will we still be the same ppl or totally changed by circumstances and the environment. Will we grow stronger or bitter from the lessons life has in store for us. I think the questions are endless. We are really just scared of the Unknown... In the book of our life there will be different chapters and challenges we will go through. I hope God will carry me throughout my life.

I am now watching the show "Yummy Yummy" on channel U. Wouldn't say its a very nice show. In fact its a bit lame. Recently there have been quite a few nice shows on tv, and i am being entertained by them tremendously... Haha!!!




Today my friend Eveline came over to my house to do project. We were working on our emergency project that have to present next week... Anyways we had to use quite a bit of creativity and its a good thing i had eve there as she is obviously the more creative one compared to me... I wouldn't say we have finished. Just that its a good effort and we can continue and add more to it...Just hope all our effort will not go in vain.




Anyways i was actually intending to go for training after doing the project. But Eve kept on psychoing me not to go and kept on saying that we call alina and jenny out and we go and eat at Sumo House. At first I did not want to mostly cause sunday is my grading and i told my friend Fang Fang that I am going, but she kept on psychoing me until I cannot tahan... Haha!!! I think I have such weak motivation sometimes... Haha!!! Now i feel guilty for not going... We finish doing the project at 6.30 and after that me and Eve went to Jenny house and they were discussing about their food trail assignment. After that we went down to the coffee shop to eat our dinner. Though it wasn't at Sumo House but it was pretty good too...



I dunno how much time we have to be with each other but i will surely treasure it!!!

I am sorry... I find I have been slacking in the sense I dun go for lectures. But recently I thought about it... Alot of ppl start to become naughty in year 3 and dun go for those less impt or boring lessons... I did follow suit I confess, but now as I think about it, I find I am being disrespectful to the lecturer. I started well in year 1 but i am at this state in year 3. This shows my degenerating attitude in class. I promise from me now till graduation i will finish the race well (even though sometimes the lessons are really boring). I will persever. As someone said we only have 9 weeks of acadamic module. God please bless me with discipline and an armour from all distractions.

I am listening to this discussion on the radio when looking for a boy/girl friend usually what do you look for... They said during first impression physical looks is pretty important. It really sucks... haiz... Anyways I already told myself that whatever it is I must be happy. I used to always comment on my looks. I am not exactly very pretty, pretty much average looking and everytime i think about it i would get discouraged. But why in the world am i feeling like this. Just because I am not as pretty as those actresses on tv, I have to compare myself to them. I think the most important thing is I must be happy with myself. I must love myself. This is a lesson i gradually learnt over the years. I have a flat nose, buck tooth and sometimes got pimples but then god made all my features when I was in my mother's wound. And he is so creative he made me look different from all my friends. He also gave me good points too, he gave me a caring and cheerful heart, a nice smile and my nice double eye lids. Whatever it is, I am grateful that he made me... Although sometimes, I still feel ugly when i compare myself but i always tell myself i am God's master piece... And he has his plans for me! Dear God , Your will be done in my life!

I just came back from cell... its pretty tiring as I had to go all the way to Tanah merah and walk to my friends hostel... But it was an enjoyable time of fellowship and I took over Theodora's worship again. I think I am improving in the worship... haha!!! I think the most important thing is still the heart of worship. Anyways I think in a group everyone must be proactive and contribute in some way or another. Then there will be peace and harmony... haha!!!



Today i went to school in the morning and did not go for the lecture... I feel I am getting naughtier and naughtier... Haha... I just went to school to do some research and study a bit. Anyways i am pretty tired cause yesterday i slept really really late, around 2.45 am... Yesterday my friend eve came over to my house (she wanted to wait for her boyfriend to finish work). She ate at the coffee shop across my house. Then after that we went to sit at the playground near my house and started playing on the swings. The we played on the see saw. It was quite fun considering how many years ago i last played it. We had a nice time chatting... After that she went up to my house to use the computer and play with my cat before her boyfriend fetched her at 2. Anyways thats basically these 2 days in a nut shell.. Sorry.. i dun feel very much like writing if you can see... so i shall bid my farewell...