Ok... today was the day of my third tkd grading. Actually in my opinion if you ask me I dun think I did very well. Firstly, I take it for granted that i will surely pass and never really practice (ooooooh... hate this point of mine), secondly I never eat well b4 the grading and when i was doing my pattern and kicks my stomach was growling... 3rdly I never empty my bladder b4 the grading and Lastly, I just did not have the feeling to exert any power.


They said Kavi and Lok might get double... well good luck to them... they deserve it since they have been in the pattern team b4. Hmmm... but the higher the rank the higer the expectations...



Anyways i know i have alot of flaws and if i do i wun go and hide them. Its no way to solve a problem so even if it is hard... i will start all over again.


Anyways it does not have anything to do with the grading. I just feel so dark today... I dun feel like talking to anyone... Dun care about anything... Just feel like wasting my miserable life away. i dun know when it has started. Kavi told me I am not 2 faced. I just have a dark side and a light one... and sometimes I am quite balanced... its hard not to let the dark side take over me cause it starts small when i least expect it and accumalates. I dun want to tell anyone, its not their problem. Just something i have to deal with... and only mine to deal with... It tells me all the negative things, all the voices in me... I try very hard not to listen. I can't let it destroy my life. Sometimes I feel like crying, but no tears come out. I want to tell someone but dun want to bother them too... Everyone has their own problems... Maybe it has not only been here recently but for a long time , just that i did not see it growing and it grew into a ugly creature in me!!!


So i try not to listen to wats in my head, listen to my heart and turn to God... I wonder whether Jesus felt this when he was a human... he was probably a very perfect person. I wonder if Mother Theresa felt it... Felt times of desperation and no one to turn to... Just want myself to be purified... Cleansed from all my unrighteousness... I guess wat my friend said is true... Physical hurt is nothing to me, but emotional hurt can hurt you psychologically... I am a human being but inside i am still a kid in this big big world... I am sure everyone has a kid in them... But its not only mine to bear... just that i held it for too long... Its time to let go...


Only the one who created me is capable of making me a wholesome person again... God Bless everyone...


Anyways I will do better the next grading... Haha!!! At least I passed lah... I was just songing the song "Home on the range" to Kavi... then he said he remember me singing that song when i feel bored... "Oh give me a home where the buffaloes roam, and the deer and the antelope play..." Actually I would be very happy in such a pleasant but simple setting but i will just make the most of wat i hav now... And wat he said is right... its easy to encourage other ppl, but difficult to encourage our own selves... So i sang, "God will make a way"... I could see him mouthing the word... i am sure he still remember in sec. school we would sing this song for devotions in the morning...



God will make a way
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way...He will make a way


Hmmm... I really miss secondary school... But the truth is I ain't going back, no matter how much i want to. I really miss being the cheerful and carefree girl... clumsy but hard working... Wait... wat am i saying i am still me... Even though the years have passed I am still me!!!



I guess must be in or ending my adolescent hood... I makes me understand myself yet confused at who I am at the same time... Acording to Erikson's Psychosocial Theory Of Adolescent Identity vs Role Confusion I am normal... haha... >_< ( Both Verna and me are totally normal ppl)...


I guess I better go off now... i have tonnes of work to do... haha!!! Adios, Sayonara!!! Till we meet!!!