There are times when i love to be around ppl and make friends... but there are times that i like to be alone... if you happen to talk to me during this time i might not reply much... but that does not mean i dun like you... Hmmm... i guess this is wat happened during cell grp... i cant say i was very communicative... in fact i only replied in simple syllabus answers. But fret not its only temporary... haha... tomorrow i will be lively and jumpy again... And i have not been totally open with my church friends... Mainly cause i take a really long time to trust someone. i dunno lah... church is not exactly a place that i can really be myself... maybe its time to commit... God, please guide me in the right ministry for me to go into... I was thinking of prayer ministry cause i like to pray for other ppl. Cause i believe in the power of prayer...



And my mother was telling me we might have to move house... but i will discuss more into it when it is really confirmed... Oh yeah... and me planning to go Desaru for the holidays for church camp... !!! Hope its fun man...

B4 i know it, another sememster flies past w/o me like wind... And now is the time for exams again.. time to study (but off course with some play therapy in between). I feel happy yet a sense of loss. Happy because after exams is my break... off course i like studying but not really the stress of exams... Sad because after this we are in year 3... i dunno whetheri can live up to the expectations... But one thing I am sure off... is that everyone has to go through it sometime or another so i will just treasure the time i have at hand now... God bless me and those around me... Today we went through roughly wat to study for HS 2037... i think it is really useful in studying for the exams cause they really narrowed down the topics... for those who did not come its a loss... Hopefully if you need i can give you to copy down.


Recently i feel a very tight feeling in my head and not able to study or concentrate... and the thing is that i am not all that stressed as i have not really intensely studied... I just feel so fatigued... Hmmm.. later going to polyclinic to get my blood results if i got the time (but i doubt anything bad)...



Jolyn has not been a very good girl these days... Actually yesterday my brother's off day so he kept asking me to accompany him eat, watch tv, play... I find him very much like a little boy sometimes... like never grow up...


And yesterday when i went to church, there was thins song that really touched my heart... i dunno why when i heard it tears rolled down my cheeks... I dun really know the lyrics but if you want to know i can sing it for you... i remember last time i joined chrismas carolling and we sang this song... it goes something like this...



B4 the world began, you were on his mind
And every tear you cried, is precious in his eyes
Because of his great love he gave his only son
And everything was done so you would come


Come to the father, though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives, he will take them all
The power of his love, the power of his blood
And everything was done so you would come




After that I went home and went to cut my hair... hmm... not very satisfied but she charged me student price... so i guess its ok... And me and brother went and bought a couch that have inflate and we took turns to blow... Then afte that we ordered KFC and wathced TV... haha... overall is a fun day... Not very productive though... haha!!!

sentosa outing for nyp tkd 

Honestly there is something i regret alot... I think i should not have stayed in school for the 6 hour break b4 tkd... i thought i would be more energetic, but in the end i became more lethargic than ever... the first hour was ok cause i was doing assignment... then after that i studied bio, did the MCQ, look through past year papers... checked my email... looked through tkd forum... sent ppl cards... wrote letters... then read book... slept... Actually jenny they all went out and call me along but i was busy doing assignment ... really regret... its so troubling to find things to do... I just hate boredom... hen after no apetite to eat much either...


Then b4 tkd i ran 4 rounds around the track and was using kailing's skipping rope to skip (i thought it would clear my mind)... then i was so shagged even b4 training starts... Anyways training today really quite sianz... maybe cause i came sianz... when your mindset already like that even a little gruelling training seems so much for you... But if you already have the right mindset you can learn well and take any type of traing... anyways we had sparring session... arrgh... hate it today!!! i got injury on my instep!!! My attitude is way off today/... next time wun stay in school!!! Haiz!!! Now i know wat kavi felt last semester when every friday got 6 hour break... i can't even stand one day...

Recently alot of ppl do things that make me feel very touched... The sweet feeling lingers in my heart and i just naturally give of a very sincere smile that comes straight from my heart... Thanks!!! It is things like this that make me have the joy in being strong in life in the midst of challenges and trials...!!!


Haha!!! First i would like to talk about today! Initially was a very sianz day in which i was slacking at home watching TV watching the show, "Always on my Mind" about SARS... Then I was supposed to meet Eve at the gym at 12 but i just felt so lazy (probably cause of the weather)... Initially did not want to go but then Eve managed me to psycho me into going (and actually I am glad i did)... Anyways I reached there really late around 1.30 pm... and the worst thing is that i never wear sport shoes, so cannot enter the gym. In the end, we ended up running around the stadium track. I think we ran around 4 rounds or more... I even ran bare foot (i think its a habit of tkd... my skin is too thick for any cuts... haha!!!) . We were saying something about exercising 5 times a week 30 minutes each time... Haha!!! farnie... i always thought it was 3 times a week!!! After that we sat down by the track and just chatted... Haiz... and we were saying why is it we always never fated to have attachment together!!! Hopefully we together in IMH posting!!! Anyways I really like her Converse shoes... very nice... but we were saying we thing the cost price is actually very low... its just its sold for a very high price... Anyways i really need to buy new shoes... And i just a idiot at picking shoes... Someone, Please help me!!!



After bathing, we went over to the canteen to eat. I wasn't very hungry so only drank fruit juice. Eveline friends came over to our table and she introduced us... But i seriously did not take much notice of them... also partly i felt no mood to make friends... haha!!! But then it wasn't until later that eveline told me she wanted to introduce guy friends to me... maybe got chance to develop further... haha!!! seriously feel a bit dumb but its ok... I doubt i left any impression so its ok... i just feel so ignorant that i failed to catch the hint... anyway i dun see wat good it would be if it knew either...



Then after that we rushed over for Biology lecture. I dun get it... is it so abnormal to see me in a skirt... i just think maybe sometimes i can get a bit tomboyish... Wat I did not expect was a pleasant surprise... Jenny suddenly passed me a wrapped up sunflower... at first i thought she wanted me to see her present, and when i passed it back to her she told me its for me... I was quite shocked!!! She did not even tell me who it was from... so i was thinking... haha!!! then Lolitha who was beside her... on behalf of jenny told me that it was from jenny... and it was in appreciation for being such a good and trustable friend... She wanted to give me a sunflower cause to her i was as cheerful and bright as a sunflower... and she want to thank me for accompanying her to visit the Dr all the way at bedok polyclinic on tuesday... hmm!!! I can say i was a bit shy to listen to all this... but on the other hand i can't deny i was flattered... And Lolitha made it sound so dramatic... but she is good at invoking such emotions... Haha!!!


Nope... its not my birthday!!! neither our anniversary... and its not a gift from a secret admirer... Neither are we lesbian relationship... its just pure friendship... i think it can't get any purer... I just dun know why some ppl can think its weird for girls to give each other flowers... i mean i give my darling fiona flowers too... I gave eveline a bouquet for her birthday!!! On the way home on the mrt, jenny told me she really very happy to have me as a friend... cause she said she sees a bit of me in her... (I think maybe she means character)... maybe thats why we can get along so well... And i know how she thinks to... and she said as friends we should go through thick and thin together... THATS WAT FRIENDS ARE FOR!!! I feel really so touched until my heart just melts... Nope i am not in love but I am really thankful for such good friends...!!! I never thought my simple acts would mean so much to you... really...



Anyways we were saying about our lack of confidence towards relationships... Maybe its just personal experience... Our feelings of inferiorness... Compared to my sister i also sometimes feel like the less significant one... cause she is so smart and bright and loved by everyone (especially my father)... But i am sure i do have my positive traits... And i am sure you do...

Sleep is a very important thing to me. But sometimes i feel that no matter how much i sleep its not quality sleep and when i wake up i will still be groggy and frustrated... Recently I have been getting very weird dreams... even when i take short naps in the bus... the dream will continue...


Then recently i get those sort of nightmares. Where there is something pressing down on me and i try to struggle and move but i am frozen stiff... i was trying to call out to my mother last time but i cant even shout... then in the end i tried praying... dun whether if that is effective but after a while i resumed normally... Then when i woke up i was sweating... (good thing never pee the bed)... Haha!!! really need your prayers to get good sleep

Today i wake up with a joy in my heart. Its even a joy to study today... I almost finish studying my psycho but very hard to say how much i will fare in the test... cause sometimes the way they phrase it is quite chim!!! So i would like to wish all those having the test... God bless you !!!



Actually recently or should I say last time i used to get a bit irritated at the opinions of others that differ from mine... Some ideas i would think of them as not practical or not very good... But recently i learnt that everyone has their own mentality... They have a reason for thinking the way they do... no personality or idea is better than any other. So its very important to see the good in every person (some ppl only see the negative traits of others). And learn to accept the person ideas and character... I know sometimes it hard... but God, please grant me this gift of wisdom and understanding.



Actually yesterday i really wanted to make it for cell group but seems everytime there is something on... I even skipped my tkd... we were supposed to meet 7.30 at across bedok stadium and from there we would walk to pei li's house. pei Li sent me her address through sms but i did not really glimpse through. Then when i was about to send out the message to wait for me another 5 minutes my handphone suddenly went flat. Anyways i ran as fast as i could but could not catch up with you all... Then i did not know the address or your phone numbers cause all in my phone. I only know its block 60 something. so i searched a few blocks... In the end i ended up in the playground then i started crying... i know it sounds farnie... i felt so pathethic. its been a long time since i cried... But they just flowed down my face... I just felt so hopeless... Anyways i decided not to go back home and studied the whole of my psycho and did all my cell group work... then i took out my song book that i intended to give pei li... And I started singing all the songs... Haha!!! I felt kinda happy to sing like i used to in sec. school... I went back when i knew you all should have gone home. but i never see anyone... Though I was not there My heart was with you all...


And a lesson i learnt is always recharge my phone... But indirectly i also learnt that sometimes wat we plan does not always go according to how we want them to be. But that does not mean anything bad. We just got to make the most of the situation. And some things we cannot control just leave it in God's hands...

The past few days have been quite busy for me. Been busy doing my individual project that dun really have time for anything else. Individual projects have its pros and coms. Group work has its pro and cons... Doing it individually, there will be no clash of interest on suggestions for the project, everything is your own idea... but sometimes can be very tiring. As for group work, if you have good group members, the work is spread out so it does not seem very overwhelming. But sometimes there are group conflicts... So both has its good points.



Anyways for this individual project, it has certainly been rush... i found the information some time ago but sometimes the thing is not how much information you have but how you present it... using transparencies, posters or pamphlets. Anyways i was intending to use transparencies to present some and normal posters for some parts of it... But after seeing the first group of people presenting yesterday i felt that their presentation was much better than mine. So I was pretty discouraged. Tired, stressed and discouraged i would say. Hmmm... maybe Jenny was right, Richards group seems better at presentations than us. And to compare ourselves against them is very stressful. anyways i find wat she says true... haha... After seeing their presentations i found my work plain and boring. I think even Eveline felt the same ba. Cause b4 her presentation she was so nervous saying the rest b4 her were so good. But I think she actually did very well and I am proud of her.



Sometimes when you meet something stressful but you still have to continue its better not to think how you feel and just go on... Dun let your brain deceive you that you can't do it. Cause i believe everyone has their unique ability. Thoughts of how stress you are will hinder your progress and in the end you will never be able to finish anything at all... Thats how I feel and thats something i learnt from this experience. You do not choose to be put in this situation but you can only make the most of it. As long as you dun give up there will be something good out of it.



I dun know why yesterday after I went back from school I decided to re modify my project. No transparency at all... And make it more creative posters which I drew pictures on (though seriously my art is not fantastic). I also decided to do wat i am best at.... making mind map. i tried to make it as simple as possible... it was drawn on a big mahjong paper. Cause everything was done yesterday evening I was so tired by the time i finshed it at 1 am this morning. Many times I wanted to give up the suggestion of a mind map (thinking... its too risky) and its also required quite some effort to do one. Risky because not all people can read mind maps. But i can say i tried my best. And i am glad i continued though I was really tired. Cause i think at least i did something different. And ppl can actually say my presentation is very clear and mind map understandable with big words and a clear concept. And I thank God that he gave me strength to carry on with the presentation though I was little nervous. And managed to make it a more interactive presentation. This shows that God really answers prayers... haha!!! cause i told my mom to pray for me cause i was friggin nervous this morning. The most unexpected thing is although I never even go through (except for intro) wat to say I managed to say wat I want to bring across to my audience (though i stuttered at some parts).



Sometimes its very hard to block out stress, like this morning I just could not get back to sleep after waking up to go toilet. And the thing is I only have 3 hours of sleep per night for the past few days. But actually we are not alone. As my friend once said, we may not be working together but we all experience roughly the same problems. It can be a consolation to see people emerge strong from tribulations. I also got alot of encouragement watching the show "Da Chang jin". Chang Jin will never give up. She probably experiences much more stress but she learns from each experience. I hope i can be like that too... let me be a strong woman/lady!!! haha!!!


Anyways I think jenny project was ok, got alot of demonstration... haha!!! And as for Alina wish her all the best... Hope she does not do the "stamping act" again... remember this time is in front of the class... haha!!! And so far, I am the most impressed by Lianna... I am really impressed!!! Great model, great presentation, great pamphlet, great everything!!! haha!!!



And its really ironic. My presentation is on "Stress managemnt" but I was so friggin stressed... Haha!!! I had really bad gastroenteritis... I mean the type that have to go toilet every half hour. This morning my whole GIT was upset. i even vomited my whole breakfast out and i was feeling so weak. Haha!!! I think after this experiece i am better able to take stress... !!! haha!!!



I really dun understand how ppl like Lianna and Fiona can take it by just sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night... I am a definately no-no to that... or else the next day I will be damn moody, lethargic or grouchy... But off course I will still do my work... haha... Anyways Adequate sleep is a must to me!!!



And after such a hectic day how can we exclude some celebration. Me, jenny, eveline and alina went to plaza singapura and ate at pizza hut... haha!!! so happy!!! Had a really great bonding time... My dear friends... will miss them much when i graduate!!! Me and eve went to arcade and play 2 games. I play Daytona with her and I lost... I really suck to the core at that game... I did not even know how to start the engine . I kept on stepping on the brake and accelerator at the same time. (those of you laughing, stop it this moment!!! :( )



And i played one game of "House of the Dead"... HAha!!! No fun playing that game alone. I remember me and Fiona played that game for primary school reunion... Haha!!! play until nearly kill the boss or something!!! That was great fun. Cause that time during our primary school classmates taught us to play that snooker game... Then i think our one game lasted more than one hour. Cause both of us cannot aim into the hole... haha!!! Farnie! Seriously though I am not close to my primary school friends cause i am only with them for a year but I only go for the sake of Fiona... Cause her close friends are not exactly very close to me... And my closer friedns in primary school always never come. But really very grateful that she still willing to be my friend last time although I very little friends ... Haha!!! Doesn't sound so pathetic... cause I was like a "China girl" last time... so very shy... I literally had my childhood in China mah!!! can't blame me...



Hey. Fiona, lets make it a deal to save money to play "House of Dead" during the holidays... haha!!! Then i bring you go beach again and we have picnic... haha!!! But now lets proceed on to study for exams... haha!!!

Ok... today was the day of my third tkd grading. Actually in my opinion if you ask me I dun think I did very well. Firstly, I take it for granted that i will surely pass and never really practice (ooooooh... hate this point of mine), secondly I never eat well b4 the grading and when i was doing my pattern and kicks my stomach was growling... 3rdly I never empty my bladder b4 the grading and Lastly, I just did not have the feeling to exert any power.


They said Kavi and Lok might get double... well good luck to them... they deserve it since they have been in the pattern team b4. Hmmm... but the higher the rank the higer the expectations...



Anyways i know i have alot of flaws and if i do i wun go and hide them. Its no way to solve a problem so even if it is hard... i will start all over again.


Anyways it does not have anything to do with the grading. I just feel so dark today... I dun feel like talking to anyone... Dun care about anything... Just feel like wasting my miserable life away. i dun know when it has started. Kavi told me I am not 2 faced. I just have a dark side and a light one... and sometimes I am quite balanced... its hard not to let the dark side take over me cause it starts small when i least expect it and accumalates. I dun want to tell anyone, its not their problem. Just something i have to deal with... and only mine to deal with... It tells me all the negative things, all the voices in me... I try very hard not to listen. I can't let it destroy my life. Sometimes I feel like crying, but no tears come out. I want to tell someone but dun want to bother them too... Everyone has their own problems... Maybe it has not only been here recently but for a long time , just that i did not see it growing and it grew into a ugly creature in me!!!


So i try not to listen to wats in my head, listen to my heart and turn to God... I wonder whether Jesus felt this when he was a human... he was probably a very perfect person. I wonder if Mother Theresa felt it... Felt times of desperation and no one to turn to... Just want myself to be purified... Cleansed from all my unrighteousness... I guess wat my friend said is true... Physical hurt is nothing to me, but emotional hurt can hurt you psychologically... I am a human being but inside i am still a kid in this big big world... I am sure everyone has a kid in them... But its not only mine to bear... just that i held it for too long... Its time to let go...


Only the one who created me is capable of making me a wholesome person again... God Bless everyone...


Anyways I will do better the next grading... Haha!!! At least I passed lah... I was just songing the song "Home on the range" to Kavi... then he said he remember me singing that song when i feel bored... "Oh give me a home where the buffaloes roam, and the deer and the antelope play..." Actually I would be very happy in such a pleasant but simple setting but i will just make the most of wat i hav now... And wat he said is right... its easy to encourage other ppl, but difficult to encourage our own selves... So i sang, "God will make a way"... I could see him mouthing the word... i am sure he still remember in sec. school we would sing this song for devotions in the morning...



God will make a way
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way...He will make a way


Hmmm... I really miss secondary school... But the truth is I ain't going back, no matter how much i want to. I really miss being the cheerful and carefree girl... clumsy but hard working... Wait... wat am i saying i am still me... Even though the years have passed I am still me!!!



I guess must be in or ending my adolescent hood... I makes me understand myself yet confused at who I am at the same time... Acording to Erikson's Psychosocial Theory Of Adolescent Identity vs Role Confusion I am normal... haha... >_< ( Both Verna and me are totally normal ppl)...


I guess I better go off now... i have tonnes of work to do... haha!!! Adios, Sayonara!!! Till we meet!!!

Yeah... I love this feeling... I actually have enough sleep. Ok. I slept 9 and a half hours last night but it was uninterupted and dreamless (think). I just feel so fresh and bright. Something I used to feel every morning in secondary school... Haha!!! I know those who are having attachment who see me writing this will be sooo envious cause they probably dun get enough sleep... Anyways I having this break so I might as well make the most out of it... Later i am going to study my butts out. Then later have to meet a friend in the evening (though dun really feel like it)... I think after this might not go out for a while cause somethimes quite expensive... unless i go somewhere like the park, bring my own home cooked food there and just face the sea eating and looking at stars and listening to music...


Anyways i would like to wish all those studying for exams God Bless YoU!!! haha!!!


Yesterday was a very tiring days for me... My mother brother and me went out the whole day from the morning onwards. At first we went to Chinatown to eat at Yum Cha... I think its not as nice as everyone says... My mother said the food is rather normal and the chee cheong fun is rather rough... haha!!! Anyways it was my treat. Anyways we all had a good meal...

Hello... beeen a while since i last blogged. Just could not bring myself to do it!!! haha... but I finally come back and its 6 in the morning... Feeling rather hypo and my brain can't think clearly so I reckon I will eat something before i go for school.



Anyways this week is actually supposed to be attachment in sgh but they cancelled it due to some super bug bacteria infection - vancomycin resistant enterococci if I am not wrong... Dunno whether I should be happy or sad... I mean kinda happy cause no attachment and can use this time to start revising for exams and doing my individual project (which i dun seem to have done much)... Besides that still have my 1000 word essay. So i must not slack away my time. But then watever it is i still have to pay back my attachment time during my holidays... which means my holidays will be shorter... haiz... watever it is i put everything in God's hands.


Actually recently have been feeling quite happy. Dun ask me as to why... I seem to have gotten the goo goo ga ga mood again in which i can be so crazy and farnie. Which is now why i have the mood to blog... Anyways got to go to school now... Continue writing later...