Hello.. today i seriously feel like a balloon... haha... actually i felt like crying but I will definately not do it in front of others... I dun want others to see me sad... When i am really alone the feelings in me have been pressed so far back in that I feel numb... Haiz...I am strong... but I dun know how much longer i can take it... i hope God is carrying me through this period...

Actually I am feeling ok now... but it was not the fact this morning... Haiz... my parents quarreled again ... like usual except it has been worse recently... i seriously take my mothers side but not very good to take sides ... Is it worth fighting for and getting myself so upset... I know if i take sides there will be more disharmony in the family... Other people outside might see me happy happy but I seldom talk at home... I am always the quiet one... Whats the point of arguing... Both are from my family... now whenever my parent quarrel I just pretend I never hear anything... I am already very tired... Haiz... recently i dread going back home and seeing my father... thats why I stay in school most of the time... I dunno whether this is affecting me... I guess it has without me knowing it... I guess I never tell people cause I dun want them to get bogged down by my problems as they have there own problems. Whats the point of telling... in the end it is still myself that has to deal with the problem... I try to be strong but sometimes I just feel like breaking down... i am after all human... Haiz...

I love my mother... i have always loved her... She is the most kindest, understanding and motherly mother to me....Although she can be very feirce (even my friends say she looks fierce) I know she loves me too... I love my father... I suppose if he passed away i would be sad... but then again i always get sad when someone passes away... (but I guess i have not been with him for a long time and even if I have it is not quality time)... Last time he used to work in China and would come back once or twice a year to visit me... That was last time... I always felt like a cat when i was younger... A cat that would get patted when the owner was happy and kicked around when the owner is angry or frustrated... haiz... And if you dun know the owner is my father... i guess thats why up to now although he seems harmless I am still reluctant to talk him... I grew up very passive... He was like some army general to me ( actually he is from army one) Those who dun know how quiet i was should ask Fiona how shy I was last time... ... those times he would come back home drunk then would start shouting at us when he was not happy... Sometimes he would start throwing things and I would be so scared... i always admire my sister... she dun care wat my father think... she will fight back... she can make a wrong thing seem right... but then my sister was my fathers favorite... I know my brother also scared of my father last time... but he has grown to be so strong... he is my darling brother... last time he would always eat my left over food , and he taught me division and time tables... and I remember last time when i was about to get a caning from my mother he got protect me one... Haiz... but recently I find he is a changed man... I feel so near yet so far to him...Everything is so formal...

Whenever my mother has problems she will tell me up to the extent that sometimes i wish I did not know... Me and my mother are very close and can talk about almost everything which is good... Usually it is she who does the talking... Life has happy moment, bitter, sad moments but i guess sad moments are more frequent... I was an "accident" and "unplanned"... but she told me it turned out well... Actually I dun feel anything... just plain weird... Apparently all these problems happened b4 i even existed but i guess i was the bind that bind my family back together again...

Anyways why am I feeling so upset today... why other days I never feel so upset... i guess the problem has always been there just that i dun like to touch on it... What is my problem... maybe the problem is I usually keep my problems to myself... (I should slap myself out of this...) I guess life is like this?... I shall go back to being happy... This depressing mood is so not for me...There are already enough depressed ppl... I guess it is ok to be sad once in a while... Hmm... ok... I am feeling tired now... so Bye